Controlling Chaos: A MCU Spideypool Fanfic Issue 03: Chimichangas

(fanart by mandylasers.  just pretend Petey is in his Spider-Man costume)

After four nights patrolling together where Deadpool had not caused any death, destruction, chaos, or even public embarrassment, Spider-Man was finding it surprisingly nice to have someone with him.  For the first time he was able to fully indulge his Spider-Man persona and trade quips with someone who actually understood all of his references.  He sort of wished he got more of Deadpool’s return references, though.  He knew from their prior interactions that Deadpool’s humor could get a bit morbid, and was always a tad confusing, but lately the merc’s jokes were constantly turning towards innuendo and unsettling flirtation.

Patrolling with a partner, however, did impact how Spider-Man went about the city.  Deadpool didn’t have web-shooters and couldn’t fly independently.  Spider-Man did have spare web-shooter gauntlets, because he never knew when one might break, but he was beyond reluctant to give his trademark tools to someone like Deadpool, who would either misuse them or sell off the technology.  Spider-Man also refused to carry Deadpool on his back for anything short of an emergency.  So far, there hadn’t been a need, much to Spider-Man’s relief and Deadpool’s exuberantly expressed disappointment.

Without the ability to swing through the city from his webs, traveling was slower and the terrain they covered more limited.  They mostly stuck to the tops of the buildings that were packed closely together where Deadpool could leap between the rooftops.  Their only other alternative, much to Spider-Man’s humiliation, was walking around beside each other on the ground.  Walking next to Deadpool in public wasn’t as embarrassing as carrying him would be, but only just.

Spider-Man tried to quell his impatience with their slow pace–he knew it wasn’t fair to be frustrated just because Deadpool couldn’t move about as easily as he could.  But when they walked on the ground, Spider-Man was painfully aware of just how much they stood out in their costumes.

Despite the awkwardness of traveling by foot, and the occasional uncomfortable innuendo, Spider-Man still found it constructive to have a partner.  He finally had someone to brainstorm with concerning possible explanations for the strange events that had been happening the past two months.

“There have been dozens of reports of these sleep-walking cases,” Spider-Man recounted.  “The victims have various levels of awareness.  Some completely blackout and have no memories of their activities while sleepwalking.” As they passed a bustling restaurant, Spider-Man glanced through the window.  Nothing seemed amiss, and he continued to talk as he moved on.

“Others have some awareness, but no control, as if they were watching someone else play a FPS game.”  Spider-Man turned to see if Deadpool got what he was talking about, his explanation trailing off when his glance revealed that Deadpool wasn’t there.  Instead, the mercenary was several feet behind him, posing for a video-television display camera in a shop window.

“Are you even listening to me?!”  Spider-Man shouted.

“I’m sorry, I lost interest with the wall of text after blah blah blah not talking about me.”  Deadpool waved his hand dismissively.

Spider-Man double-backed and grabbed the mercenary roughly, tearing him away from the camera display.

“We’re talking about it because that’s the whole ‘strange thing’ I wanted your help investigating!  Now keep up,” Spider-Man commanded.

When he was sure Deadpool was back with him, he continued, “There doesn’t seem to be any known cause or connection between the victims.  Thankfully there hasn’t been any harm coming from the sleepwalking behavior.  But the downside is that the police don’t seem interested in investigating, and there hasn’t been any coverage in the newspapers.”

As Spider-Man maneuvered them down a shortcut through a back alley, he further explained, “Most of the city doesn’t even know about it, and the ones that do are dismissing it as a strange oddity that is nothing to be concerned about.  But my instinct says that something is wrong.”

Deadpool came to an abrupt stop and flapped his hands at his stomach.  “My instinct says I’m hungry.”

Spider-Man was instantly aggravated.  “That’s your gut,” he admonished.

“Still says I’m hungry.  Can we get some chimichangas?  I love that word.  It’s so much fun to say…Chimichangas…Chimi…changas…chi…mi…chan…gas…” Deadpool giggled.

“As I was saying,” Spider-Man grumbled as he turned and resumed walking.  “The victims seem to be random.  I don’t know where to even start to investigate.  So for now, while I do my regular patrolling for crimes, I keep my eyes open for sleepwalkers.” He noticed Deadpool wasn’t following and stopped to see what was keeping the mercenary this time.  “Will you please keep up already?!”

“All this plot exposition talk is bo-ring!” Deadpool whined.  He ran up beside Spider-Man and tugged on his arm.  “When are we going to get to the sexy-fun-times kissing part?”

“You know what?  Fine,” Spider-Man snapped, his temper overcoming his common sense.  He pulled his mask up to expose his mouth.  “I’m tired of you harping about kissing!  If you want to kiss me so much, why don’t you just do it already?”

That stopped Deadpool cold.  For a moment, Spider-Man thought he had won their game of chicken, and was about to rejoice in his victory with another biting remark.  But his words caught in his mouth as he watched Deadpool’s jovial attitude melt, replaced with a lethal aura.  Spider-Man thought he’d seen Deadpool in just about every mood, but he hadn’t seen anything like this cold intensity.  This was indeed a man who could go on a killing spree with no regret.  Spider-man backed into the wall before he even realized that he’d stepped away from the chilly stare Deadpool had leveled at him.

Deadpool lifted his own mask up over his mouth and with a predatory grin he stalked over.  Spider-man crawled backwards up the wall before his “fight” or “flight” instinct set on “freeze in panic”.  Deadpool slipped between Spider-Man’s bent legs and leaned against him.

In that instant before the mercenary pressed in, Spider-Man regretted his provocative remark.  Their mouths a whisper apart, he inhaled, tense with anticipation.

Deadpool paused just before their lips touched and smirked, the coldness gone from his aura.  “Hmm.”

“Wha…?” Spider-Man slipped slightly as he tried to make sense of the second abrupt shift in Deadpool’s attitude.

Deadpool stepped away and pulled his mask down.  “You totally want me.  How cute!”

Spider-Man clung to the wall trying to process what had just happened.  It was several long moments during which he watched Deadpool calmly walk off, before Spider-Man realized their confrontation had ended.  He had been played again by that…that… asshole!

Spider-Man bounded off the wall, launching himself feet-first at the mercenary’s head.  His kick connected, knocking Deadpool forcefully to the ground.  “Drop dead!”

He could hear the raspy chuckling as he swung away.

It was definitely time he got laid.  He’d have Harry set him up with someone.  It would be nice to be dating again.  A nice, cute girl…

********************************************************

We really need to stop ending chapters like this.
Like what?
Getting tossed down the alleyway by Spider-Man.  This is the third time; enough is enough!
You can’t say we don’t deserve it, though.
Deadpool paid the boxes no mind as he giggled, “He totally wanted us to kiss him back there.”
If you really thought that, you’d have kissed him and not walked away.
His good mood faded.  “Yeah.  I know.  I egged him on so he felt like he had to, not that he wanted to.  That’s why I didn’t kiss him.”
The voices were quieted for a moment in solidarity.  Then, the white box tentatively noted, He did lift up his mask for us, though.
“He did!”  And just like that, Deadpool was giggling again.