Controlling Chaos, a MCU Spideypool Fanfiction,
Issue 02: Right Up Your Alley
Fanart by 笑死
Spider-Man was swinging through an alley on his nightly patrol of the city when he heard a familiar raspy voice call out to him.
“Hey Spidey!”
He glanced down mid-swing and spotted the quick flurry of motion that was Deadpool arranging himself so that he was casually lounging against a brick wall in a dark corner of the alley. Deadpool bent one arm behind him to pillow his head against the brick, and raised the other, his hand flailing awkwardly in greeting.
On the very long list of people Spider-Man wanted to see that night, Deadpool was pretty much last, and that was saying something considering the numerous hacks and villains he regularly tangled with. It had been three days since their last encounter, and Spider-Man had hoped that whatever reason Deadpool had for coming into the city, he was done and gone, leaving minimal devastation in his wake. Spider-Man should have known that that was too much to hope for.
He briefly considered swinging past the annoying mercenary, but in all likelihood, Deadpool, like a sugar-high six year-old, would progress to destruction to get his attention if ignored. Plus, Deadpool coming across him once was a coincidence, twice was a pattern and a pattern he could not afford. Spider-Man usually found people; people didn’t find him. If Deadpool was finding Spider-Man, then he had to be following him, and if he followed Spider-Man, he would inevitably find Peter Parker. Spider-Man worked very hard to keep his real identity secret. Heck, he even kept it shielded from S.H.I.E.L.D. If a mercenary like Deadpool found out, than his secret identity would probably be up for grabs to the highest bidder. He had to nip this in the bud.
Spider-Man landed softly beside Deadpool and turned to confront him head-on. Hands on his hips, he brusquely demanded, “How’d you find me?”
“I listened to the police lines for any emergencies that sounded like your type of gig and then looked for your most likely exit route–Yeah, but that didn’t work last time! This actually did–Even if it took a few days, it still worked!” Deadpool said, sounding a bit petulant at the end, his explanation filled with slight pauses as he seemed to be talking with himself.
Spider-Man crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his eyes. “Alright, so you found me. Now what do you want with me?”
“Your sweet ass!”
Spider-Man shot his web upwards and grasped it with the intent to swing away.
“No wait, I was kidding–Mostly! Kidding again, kidding, kidding!” Deadpool pushed away from the wall, reaching out towards him. “Come back, Spidey, I really need your help with something!”
The pleading stopped Spider-Man before he fully committed to the swing. He sighed again as he flipped back to the ground. Turning towards the mercenary, he reluctantly asked, “What is it then?”
Deadpool bounded the few feet to close the distance between them. “You’re like this amazing hero, right?” He cocked his head to the side and watched Spider-Man expectantly.
Spider-Man shook his head.
“The label ‘hero’ might be a bit of an exaggeration considering Jamerson has his newspapers declaring I’m a public menace–worse than the alien invasion.” So much hate was thrown his way that he didn’t deserve; it was really disheartening. It was even worse when he considered the fact that actual public menaces like Deadpool went largely unknown to the general public. Spider-Man couldn’t help but feel a bit resentful as he added under his breath, “I’m certainly more heroic than some.”
Deadpool either didn’t hear or choose to ignore Spider-Man’s barb and continued to gush, “You’ve been a hero for a lot of years, right? Like at least dozen, right? I mean, it’s hard to keep track of which continuity we’re talking about.”
“Something like that.” It had only been six years since he got bitten by the radioactive spider in the AP Biology class outing to Oscorp’s R&D labs, but he didn’t feel the need to correct, or to elaborate on the facts to Deadpool. This conversation was going nowhere fast. “What’s your point?” he prodded.
Deadpool clasped his hands together, bouncing like a preteen fangirl at an anime con, hero-worship shining from his masked eyes. “Well you’ve been, like, this really good guy hero for a lot of years and I want to train with you! To be a hero and stuff like you do!”
“No. Way.” Spider-Man flatly declined. He was looked on poorly enough by the public. It would be so much worse to have Deadpool following him around. His reputation would never recover.
“Come on, please? Pleeeease, Spidey?” Deadpool leaned closer as he continued in a jittery rush, “I’ve really been trying to be a better person. It’s so hard on my own. And you and Captain America are like my all-time most admired good-guy heroes! But Captain America is always with Iron Man and Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D. All those guys. I don’t like those guys! And I can’t trust government organizations. They scare the poop out of me! You don’t make me nervous to be around like those guys so you’re the best guy a guy like me could possibly look up to and admire. Besides, you have the nicest ass.”
Spider-Man blinked. “Um…thanks?”
“So please? Doesn’t even a guy like me deserve a chance?” How someone managed to make sad puppy dog eyes when wearing a mask, Spider-Man didn’t know, but Deadpool did.
Spider-Man found himself smacking his hand against his face. It was a mistake. He knew it was a mistake. But even knowing it was a mistake, he recognized that Deadpool was right; he deserved a chance. “I am going to regret this. But alright. You can tag along with me for a little while. There’s been some strange events recently, and no, I’m not talking about anything related to the alien invasion last year. These are more recent, and I could use an extra set of eyes to help me untangle what’s going on.”
“Yay! Deadpool and Spidey! Together again!” Deadpool wrapped his arms around Spider-Man and pulled him into a haphazard embrace. “We’re getting the band back together!”
“No hugging.” Spider-Man shoved him away. He ignored the exaggerated pouting from the disappointed mercenary, and continued, “You can follow me, but I have three conditions: First, no killing. None at all. Not even a little. Second, you listen to me and do what I tell you. Third, when I say you’re done, you’re done, no back-talking, you leave my city and that’s it. You understand me?”
“Deal!” Deadpool clapped his hands and skipped around Spider-Man, a disturbingly impressive feat in the tight alleyway. After a few circles, he stopped in front of Spider-Man.
“Now for my conditions!” he declared.
“You don’t get conditions, Deadpool. Your part of the deal is that you get to follow me, like you asked.”
“Awww, but I never get to name conditions.” Deadpool pouted, his puppy-dog eyes making a reappearance.
“Enough! I give up.” Spider-Man held up his hands to ward off the pathetic look. “What are your conditions?”
“You let me stay in your Spider-Cave with you and we can be roomies!”
Spider-Man crossed his arms and shook his head. “I don’t have a Spider-Cave. I have a regular tiny city apartment, and there is no way I’m letting you anywhere near it.”
Deadpool draped his arm around Spider-Man’s shoulders and whispered huskily, “I can buy you a Spider-Cave. I’m rich.”
Spider-Man grabbed the arm Deadpool had over his shoulder and flipped him hard onto the ground. Looking down at the prone mercenary, he added, “Condition rejected. Anything else?”
“Yes!” Deadpool reached up towards Spider-Man, puckering his lips under his mask and making kissy noises. “Another kiss, and this time you don’t imagine me as Wolverine.”
In reply, Spider-Man kicked him, sending Deadpool flopping down the alleyway. As Deadpool smacked into a dumpster, Spider-Man shot a strand of web up and swung off, calling behind him, “I’ll see you here tomorrow night for our first patrol.”
**************************
Well, we ended the night in a dumpster. Story of our lives.
Technically, we’re not in the dumpster.
“I don’t know, I think it went rather well over all.”
You’re right, he didn’t kill us.
“See, that’s what I’m talking about! He’s clearly head over heels for us!”
Seems more like we’re head over heels for him.
“With that ass, I’d take any position he wanted.”
Which will be flat on backs at this rate.
“Who’s complaining?”
Not me.
Me neither.
“Now let’s get home…we’ve got a date tomorrow night!”