by li izumi
ver 3.4
April 3, 2002
I lie in the state between dreaming and awakeness and hope for a nightmare. Pleasant dreams are the worst. They remind me of what I lost, what I can never have, and what I can never be. Nightmares-at least I'm used to them. At least they give me incentive to wake up in the morning.
I dreamt of her again last night. I've been dreaming of her a lot recently. This dream was pleasant, far too pleasant. I was 8-years-old once more, running to her house next door to invite her out to play. I had still been innocent and happy then. I still made friends then. But my dream self was unaware of the changes that would soon occur in my life. It was a beautiful spring day and I want to play... She runs with me through the park. We play for hours. Or was it just a moment? Time is strange in dreams. She is crying? Why? A bee has stung her. I put my hands on my hips and with all the authority an 8-year-old can muster I tell her that since there is no blood, she can't cry. She is still sniffling. I kiss her shoulder where the bee has stung her. "There. Now I kissed the pain away." She is shocked. "Now you have to marry me. My daddy says any boy that kisses me has better marry me." I nod. "Ok." We close our eyes and give each other a little child kiss. Then my dream changes. It is years later, the day I moved away. "I will come back for you," I tell her. "I will wait for you. Always," She responds.
It was cute. It was sweet. Now, it makes me sick.
Sick. The nightmare I had yesterday... I sigh, stretch, and sit up. Maybe it would be better if I don't have a nightmare today.
"I will wait for you. Always." Her voice lingers in my mind.
No, I can't think about it.
It's time I got up anyway. The Angel will be here soon.
I get up and realize I am aroused. Shit. Just thinking about her gets me hard. I need to calm down before he gets here.
Several minutes later I brush my teeth. My hair, still wet from my cold shower, hangs, perfectly to annoy me, in my eyes. I spit, rinse, and spit again. As I look up, I'm struck by my reflection. How normal I look. Like a regular 20-year-old guy. My features aren't distinct: tall, perhaps a little too scrawny and rather pale. I'm hardly a hot guy. Dark hair and dark eyes complete my look. It's my eyes that set me apart. These are eyes that have witnessed terrible things. These are eyes that hold a terrible secret. My eyes, the darkest shade of black, reflect the terrible darkness that is contained in me.
In me, there is an evil so great it destroyed the only woman I could call mother.
Shit. I won't let myself cry. Not when the Angel will be here any minute. I won't let him see me cry again.
Serena was happy. She had a great day in school and had passed the test she had studied for with her two friends, Mika and Sara. Now, in celebration, the trio of girls walked down the street towards their favorite cafe. Mika hurried them along. Sara had insisted that they walk since the day was so nice and the cafe wasn't far, but Mika had heard that there was supposed to be a thunderstorm that afternoon. She and Sara bickered slightly, but Serena knew that they didn't mean it.
Serena smiled. She even had a pleasant dream the night before. She had dreamt of him again, when they were still children.
It has been years since she had last seen him, but she still considered him a friend. Besides Mika and Sara, he had been her only friend. Sara said she found her shyness adorable, but it was the bane of her existence as far as Serena was concerned.
Admittedly, she was a bit of a bookworm. A "nerd" as the boys in her class would say. Still, she tried to keep smiling and keep a positive outlook on life.
Mika would laugh at her "Cinderella complex" since Serena kept "waiting for her prince to come," but Sara shared Serena's love of romantics.
"Hurry up Serena or the light will change."
"Oh!" Serena pulled herself back to the present. The walk light was still glowing white. Her friends were already across the street. Serena rushed to cross but she didn't get more than halfway across when a crowd walking in the other direction pushed against her.
Serena exclaimed in surprise and dismay as someone roughly pushed past her, knocking her shoulder. She stumbled slightly and her purse fell to the ground. The light began to flash red. Serena bent down to pick up her bag. As she stood up, a face, seen only in a heartbeat in profile, unknown but familiar, caught her eye.
"Duncan?" A whisper, a hope. The crowd was gone, Serena was alone.
"Serena!" Mika screamed. "Get out of the road!"
Serena turned back. The walk light now clearly displayed a solid red don't walk. Serena ran to the curb just as a car sped past her.
"I'm sorry. I dropped my purse."
"You're smart and you're cute," Sara sighed. "But you're such a klutz!"
"C'mon. Let's get to the cafe before our little klutz gets herself killed."
I stand down an alley, my back pressed against a brick wall. I'm trembling. But I had seen her. I've envisioned our meeting in a million waking dreams, but never have I imagined that we would walk past each other so casually down the street.
I'm such a coward. I ran away. I make myself sick. But I can't let her see me. I can't let her see me like this now. I can't hurt her. I would only hurt her.
I mean, what could I say to her?
"Hey, long time no see, huh?"
"Oh my! It has been a while."
"How's high school? Still working hard?"
"Yeah. Top of my class. I graduate this June. And you? You must be in college by now?"
"Nah. Actually, I dropped out of high school. See, I'm actually the savior of the world now."
"Really? That sounds interesting."
"Yeah. See, I'm traveling the world with this Angel-see that stone-faced pissy-looking prick with the big white wings? No? Well, most people can't. So anyway, we're traveling around finding packets of negative energy that I absorb into my body. Yeah, I'm like a human vacuum cleaner of excess negative energy. Pretty damn cool, huh? Oh, and get this: The evil inside me is starting to effect me and right now I want to do some pretty freaky shit to you and..."
No, not that dream again. I don't want to remember it again, but my thoughts keep falling towards it.
I met her by chance on a city street. I pull her close, forcing a kiss. I feel a rush as she tries to pull away. I hold her tighter, her breath is ragged in my ears. It excites me. The smell of her shampoo as her hair brushes past me. The fear in her voice as she calls my name. It excites me completely. I'm pushing her down to the ground. She struggles but god I'm so hard I have to rip her clothes off she's crying but her tears are so beautiful I need to make her scream I need to fuck her I need her
Oh god please stop this! Stop me from remembering!
The sky opens up. God is crying. I am crying.
I turn back to the main street and head back to the hotel, grateful for the natural cold shower.
That night, Serena dreamed again.
She runs down a dark hall. Mist surrounds her, holding her back. Within the void is Duncan, as he must look now. He is walking away. Serena rushes to reach him.
"Duncan! Wait!"
"Wait? Why should I?" He turns. "Things are different now. We're not the children we used to be."
"But, Duncan!" Serena pleads.
"Sorry." He turns away. "Sorry, but I haven't waited for you."
I didn't sleep last night. I didn't want to dream. I didn't want to dream of her.
I am sluggish. The Angel's gonna be pissed. My weakness disgusts him as my unhappiness delights him. There are days when I deliberately try to piss the fucking prick off, but today isn't one of them. I just want to wait until it's late enough that I know she will be in school. I'll finish my mission and leave town without her ever knowing I was here.
It's nearly ten by the time I reach the area. Yesterday I found the area with the highest concentration of negative energy in the city. It was in the seediest part of the city, but that didn't come as a surprise.
There is energy all around us, the Angel explained to me when we first met. Every action, every thought, it uses energy and changes the energy. The energy can be positively or negatively charged. Positive energy begets more positive energy. Negative energy begets more negative energy. There is a balance.
But the balance is gone.
And so I was chosen to gather the excess negative energy. I don't know why I was chosen, for the Angel won't tell me no matter how many times I ask. I just know that I am supposed to save the world by gathering the excess energy and restoring balance.
I can see it, feel it, use it. It's inside of me. It fills me. It disgusts me.
Sometimes the energy is in places, sometimes in things, sometimes in people. No matter where the energy gathers, it seeps out to affect the area and people around it. Negative energy begets more negative energy.
In this city, the negative energy has gathered in a vacant lot. I can feel it flowing under the ground. Yesterday, there were too many people around, but today there are only a few punks that are drinking outside one of the near-by boarded-up warehouses. In their drunken state, they don't notice me.
I kneel down, my fingers digging slightly in the dirt. The energy grows, tugging at me, calling to me. I close my eyes, feel the flow. Then, I pull.
Her sandled feet pounded in a rhythmic beat as she ran down the street. For the first time, Serena was late for school. After her nightmare, she had a hard time falling back to sleep, which made her oversleep.
She reached a back alley and thought that it could be a short cut. It was in the seedier part of the city, with a lot of boarded-up warehouses, but it was broad daylight and she was running late. Serena continued to run.
I lie panting on the ground. It's done. I'm completely spent. There was more energy then I anticipated. It rushed into me too fast. I lost control briefly.
I can feel the lost energy collecting around the punks. Shit. I don't want to deal with this today. Adding this much more negative energy to someone can be dangerous, not only for the person, but for the people around him.
I hate this part of my job. What to do with people that are the focal point of negative energy? They can't survive the loss of that much energy but I can't ignore them and let them hurt others.
I have no other choice but to kill them. Am I just justifying murder when I tell myself it's for the best? That I must do it to save other people? The Angel won't tell me what I should do. He'll just stand back and watch me, saying nothing and looking expression-less.
I'm supposed to be this savior, but I kill people.
I step towards the punks when I hear a gasp.
"Duncan?"
I can feel the blood drain from my face. I can't breathe. I know that voice. I've heard it a million times in my sleep.
I don't turn to her. I can't face her. I can't look her in the eye. "Serena," I barely breathe.
"Oh, Duncan! It is you!" I can hear the joy in her voice. I can see her beautiful, delightful smile in my mind. "I knew you would come back for me!" She throws her arms around me. Her head nestles on my shoulder blades. Her breath, slightly ragged, is in my ears.
Oh god, this is too much. Memories of my nightmare overwhelm me. It's too much. I haven't seen her for years, why must I immediately think of sex? Oh god, I disgust myself.
I pull away. "I didn't come for you."
"It doesn't matter why you're here. The important thing is that we've found each other again!" She is so optimistic. She hasn't changed. I feel a single tear as it glides down my cheek.
She is right next to me. What I have dreamed about, both in hope and in fear, has become real. I want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go again. But how can I? I am filled with negative energy. Those that get close to me are hurt. My mother died because of me. I am no better than the people I must kill. I’m evil. Someone like me has to be evil.
"I didn't come for you," I repeat. "Things are different now. We're not the kids we once were."
I feel her tense. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see the hurt on her face, as if I had struck her.
"I... I see." She sobs. "You... you're right of course. We're not children anymore. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She turns, running down the street.
I lower my head, my gaze to the ground as I wipe the dampness from my eyes.
Serena screams, and I realize to my horror that she has run past the punks. "Serena! Oh god, not Serena!"
I start to run towards them when the Angel steps before me. "Don't do this."
"Get out of my way!" I scream at him.
"You're being too emotional. You can't do anything when you're like this."
"She is important to me." I hate doing this, but I must save her, no matter what. "Please." To ask for his help. No, to beg for his help... But my pride does not matter. Only Serena matters. "Please help me save her."
He sighs, and for a moment almost looks older. "You know I cannot do that."
I broke down and actually asked for his help, and the fucking bastard says no? He doesn't see my punch until he is sprawled on the ground. He looks up at me shocked, then touches his cheek and glares at me.
I have never hit him before. But I stand definitely. "If you will not help me, then I'll save her myself. You cannot stop me."
"Do as you will," he says as he vanishes.
I race towards Serena.
There are five of them. One is pinning her arms above her against the brick building. Her shirt is ripped open, and another is squeezing her breast into his mouth.
Another, standing back, chortles, "Sometimes a mouthful is better then a handful, right?" He squeals in laughter. The others ignore him as they close in for their prey, and I close in on him as mine.
"Wha..?" the fool exclaims as I pick him up by his neck. I can tell by the fear in his eyes how dangerous I must look.
"Let her go," I coldly order.
The boss-monkey sneers to me, "Stay out of this, or we'll mess you up, pretty-boy.”
I throw the idiot I'm holding against the wall forcefully. He slumps down.
A second bull lunges at me. I sidestep, and he stumbles into another wall. A third pig pulls out a knife. He swings at me, but I dodge easily. The bull is standing again, and ready to lunge at me again.
"Come on little piggies, it's time for the slaughter," I sneer.
"Finish him off," the boss-monkey orders, then turns his attention back to Serena. She is sobbing.
As the pig with the knife swings at me again, the bull behind me tries to hold onto me. I am able to get enough out of the way that the knife misses its target, but it does slash my face slightly.
"You dare...?" I snarl. I don't have the physical strength to fight them, but I have no need for physical strength. I reach out with some of the energy in me and push. The unseen force shoves the thug behind me into the brick wall. Most of the bones in his body shatter on the impact, and as his body slumps down to join his previously fallen friend, the imprint of his body can be seen in the wall.
"Holy shit!" The armed pig exclaims.
The beast holding Serena pulls out a knife. "Take another step towards us and we hurt the little princess here."
The boss-monkey pulls out a gun. He has it leveled straight for my head.
"Oh, don't hurt him. Please don't hurt him!" Serena sobs.
The knife-pig makes his way to Serena again. "Let's mess up his girlfriend in front of him."
The boss-monkey grins. "Yeah. If you make any sudden moves, pretty-boy, I'll shoot."
Despite his threat I grin evilly. "You are already dead." I don't have to move. I look into the boss-monkey's eyes, reach some of the negative energy in him, pull it slightly. He explodes.
Blood, guts, and fragments of bones splatter throughout the alley.
"Fuck!" The two remaining thugs fall over themselves in their attempt to run away.
But I won't let them go now. They hurt Serena.
It's easy to tap into the energy inside me. I push and they explode. This dark energy coursing through me gives me such a thrill. Whenever I deal with it, either taking it into myself, or pushing it out, it excites me like an orgasm.
I turn to Serena, and my elation fades as I see the look of horror on her face. I know, I know she saw how much I enjoyed it. The shame creeps in. "You," I start to say, hesitate, then continue. "You shouldn't have had to see that."
Serena doesn't say anything. She's shocked, shaking slightly with her sobs.
"You have to forget about me. This was just a nightmare. It didn't happen." I turn to go.
Serena finds her voice, "No..." She falters. "...Stay."
"I'm not the Duncan you used to know. I'm evil now. I need to leave."
"No, I don’t understand..."
I walk to her, pulling her roughly to her feet. I pull her face close to mine. I run my hand along her delicate face, through her soft hair. "I want to stay with you more than anything, but you have seen what I'm capable of. Everyone close to me has been hurt like that. Even you were hurt because you were near me."
"Why? I don’t understand why." She’s so afraid. I hate myself for making her afraid, but her fear excites me. I can't help but drink it in.
"Inside me, is evil. I hold it inside me."
"I don't understand."
"The world is filled with energy. Like a magnet, there are both positive and negative sides to this energy. There should always be a balance, but the balance has been lost. It is due to this imbalance that so much suffering exists in the world today. That is why someone needs to gather up this excess negative energy. I was chosen."
"Chosen by God?"
"By god, or the devil, or both, or whoever. It doesn't matter. I've only seen the messenger, the Angel. But you don't understand. This energy is killing me. It's burning away my soul, destroying my purity, my innocence, my goodness. You have seen what I can do. I do this kind of thing all the time." She saw how much I enjoyed it. And that is the real reason why I can't stop, no matter how much I hate what I do. The feel of the cool darkness as it fills me, satisfies me in a way that sex never could. The shame is back. I can't look at her anymore
"You're not evil, I know you can never be evil!"
"Do you really think I’m not evil?" The words start falling from my lips. "What if I told you that I want you right now?" I can't stop. "That I want to finish what those thugs started to do to you?" I want to frighten her. "That I want to hold you down, feel inside you. I want to make you scream." I want to hurt her. "Does that sound like something you want? Does that sound like someone who isn't evil?" I need to hurt her, "This darkness has tainted me. It's so hard to resist these dark urges inside me." so she'll leave me alone to my shame. "It's all I can do not to throw you down and just fuck you like an animal."
Is that betrayal in her eyes? It must be. I just betrayed the pure memory of a boy she loved.
The self-disgust fills me. Look at what I've become. The one pure thing left in my world, and I've betrayed her, I've terrified her, I've hurt her. The one person in my life left that I have never wanted to hurt, I've hurt her. Shit, I hate myself.
I want to die.
The boss-thug's gun is on the ground by my feet. I pick it up and fire before Serena can even move or act.
I see the horrified look in her eyes and I slam into the ground. She falls beside me, screaming my name, but I can no longer hear her voice.
Some of my blood has splattered across her face. It drips down, and I can see it stain her fair skin.
I've tainted her. Oh god, I have tainted her.